Section: NEWSVIEW

STUDENTS

After three months of new classes, friends, experiences, and freedoms, first-time college students and their families are in for a real shock come holiday recess. Going home for the first time, or even the longest time, since school began can be confusing and trying for everyone, explains Kendall Lott, director of the Radford University Center for Counseling and Student Development.

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The problems associated with going more affect freshmen the most, but it can be a problem at any stage in one's college career or beyond. However, certain measures can be taken ahead of time to make things more comfortable and less ambivalent for all. Although students may be confused about the role they play in the family, interactions with family members still can be enjoyable. With patience and compromise, the holidays can be a time to celebrate.

The ordeal of returning home can apply to all vacations, but it is more difficult during extended recesses. During weekends and short breaks, Lott notes, "everyone smiles and is happy; there is little time for conflict."

Several factors can contribute to disputes among family members. The students have been in school a while without having someone tell them what to do; they return home, not used to structure. Parents still have the same expectations--curfew, car limitations, chores--while their offspring have new outlooks on their role.

Responsibility for the "testing of boundaries" is in the hands of both parties. Students test their limitations and constraints to show their parents that they are growing up and longer need them for structure. Phrases such as "You still treat me like a child" often are heard in these situations. According to Lott, "Sometimes students will do something just to see what mom and dad will do, so they can tell their parents that they can't make limitations anymore."

Parents do the same for different reasons. They deliberately may set boundaries to show they still are in charge. Students often hear "You are still our child" or "We are still supporting you financially" from parents who expect their offspring to behave the same as before they left.

Another source of conflict arises when younger siblings are involved who have taken on new roles within the family and the home. When an older child returns home, even for a short period of time, he or she interrupts that new role, which can cause problems between siblings.

In these new and awkward situations, both parents and student receive mixed messages. "Glad you're (I am) here, but I'm glad you're (I am) going back to school," is just one example. Lott maintains this does not mean they don't love each other; they just want relief from the tension.

"It is more important for the incumbent student to give more than the family because [he or she] is intruding on their new lifestyle and family system." With no set guidelines, future peace depends mainly on the student, whose reactions and how to deal with going home each break, each year, is highly individualistic. "Some grin and bear it. Some have dysfunctional families and don't go home at all. Some only go in passing or for a short time."